So I woke up this morning and checked my bank account. I have been doing this more lately since I am waiting for my IRS stimulus check. So I notice four 30 dollar charges for insufficient funds. This strikes me as odd, since I have overdraft protection and I am meticulous about my checking account. So I call the bank and they say to call back at 6 am when the system changes over. I figured maybe it was a glitch. So I called back and spoke to someone. They said my account overdrew. So I asked what about my overdraft protection. They said that the check was for more than even that amount. So I asked what she meant and she said that there was a check that was bounced for $1810.10. So I am like, 'excuse me? I didn't write that check.' And she is like, 'you didn't?' So at this point I am starting to freak. So I got smart and said, ' I think I might remember a check of that size. Woudn't you?'

    So she informs me that I have to go into the branch to straighten it out. They open at nine and it is about 6 when I called. So I wait it out and leave at nine to go take care of it. So I get there and she brings up the check and gets on the phone to get a print out of it. I get the print out and it is my name on the check, but my parent's address and not my signature. So this is where I start to lose it a bit, if it wasn't for the Zoloft I am taking I would have been a complete wreck. So I asked them how it is possible for them to cash a check like that without calling anybody. So they said it was deposited into one of this persons accounts and they don't find out about it for a few days.

     So anyhow, they tell me I have to freeze my account and open a new one. So any of my pending payments will be cancelled. Now I do EVERYTHING online. So this is going to be difficult for me. My mortgage comes out once a week. My first life insurance payment is supposed to come out on the 15th. So needless to say I am freaking a bit.

     Then they tell me I have to go fill out a police report before they can start their investigation. So I ask if I can go to any police station. They tell me yes, so I locate the nearest police station and head there. The guy tells me I have to go to the one in the city I live. So as I am heading there I seem to remember they tore our police station down. Building was condemned after the last bad hurricane we had. So they were working out of an office building or something. So I called and they said I had to have an officer come to me. So I head home and call them up and say they will send an officer over. I sat and waited for an hour before they showed.

   So long story short, I gave her the info then headed back to the bank. Of course you would think they were giving away free food samples the way the old farts were lined up. The place was packed. Now keep in mind I am missing almost my fourth hour of work at this point. So I am starting to get freaked again. I don't have a high tolerance for anxiety. Hence, the Zoloft I am taking. That helps immeasurably.

    So I call my work again and tell them the situation and just as I am telling them I will be there forever they call me in ahead of all the other people. I felt special. So they call me in and I give them the info the police gave me. They give me my new account and I now am stuck with waiting for them to catch the criminal fuck who did this. And also stuck with changing over all my bills and my mortgage to this new account. Such fun. Anyhow, just another day in my emmy award winning life.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students.


The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is!
 I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed
to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he  
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.... 

I don't know if I have enough energy to blog about this today...my mother and my uncle were two of five children. My two aunts died of cancer. Leaving behind my mother, and two uncles. Anyhow to make a long story short...my mother and her youngest brother had a falling out about 2 years ago and didn't speak anymore. I continued to speak to him. Then my mother who had done everything for her mother, her laundry, got her food. Everything. Even when she was in an assisted living facility. They had a falling out also because my grandmother raised my cousin since her mother, my mother's sister died when she was four. Pay attention this gets confusing if you arent already confused. One day my mother's youngest brother, the one she isn't speaking to, got my grandmother a lawyer and she signed everything over to my cousin.Oh and the capper was they didn't tell anybody. So only my uncle and my cousin and my grandmother knew. Now I never liked my grandmother much, she was evil and vindictive, but she was still my grandmother. Needless to say, this caused my mother to feel very hurt, and rightly so. My mother had done everything for her and she goes behind her back and doesn't tell anybody. So my mother told my cousin that since she was getting everything in the will she should have the responsibility of everything else. My mother stopped talking to her mother and my cousin consequently didn't like the fact that she had actual responsibility in her stoner child like existence. Anyhow, so my mother doesn't talk to anyone except her older brother. I still kept open communication with all of them. I didn't want to get involved with all the bullshit. Anyhow so I find out this morning, by way of an obituary...my grandmother died on Friday and was buried on Saturday. That's right. You read that right...she died. Nobody called me. Didn't hear a thing. Neither did my mother or my uncle. And when I confronted my cousin she said it was my mothers fault because she didn't want to know. And she was sorry if I couldn't see the truth. So my day has been filled with anger and I have very bad heartburn because I am sick to my stomach that these vindictive fucks didn't want my mother to know she died, so they didn't call ANYBODY. And by that I mean anybody. Not her friends, her remaining family members. Nobody.

Now she is claiming it isn't a hoax...

Abortion Girl has spoken to the Yale Daily News and is denying claims from her own University that her self-induced miscarriages as an art piece is an elaborate prank.

Here are some of the LOWlights from her rebuttal:

- Shvarts stood by her project, calling the University’s statement “ultimately inaccurate.”

- But Shvarts reiterated Thursday that she repeatedly used a needleless syringe to insert semen into herself. At the end of her menstrual cycle, she took abortifacient herbs to induce bleeding, she said. She said she does not know whether or not she was ever pregnant.

- “No one can say with 100-percent certainty that anything in the piece did or did not happen,” Shvarts said, “because the nature of the piece is that it did not consist of certainties.”

- Shvarts showed the News footage from tapes she plans to play at the exhibit. The tapes depict Shvarts — sometimes naked, sometimes clothed — alone in a shower stall bleeding into a cup.