I'm so sick of forgetting myself to remember who I am.

I have to work at 6am, but here I am. I just got done watching Donnie Darko for like the 50th time. I still cry when I watch it and I don't know why. Certain movies touch me certain places. I am waiting for the 3rd bad thing to happen to me. Things happen to me in threes, yesterday I got a ticket, and today I find out some news about the lawsuit I had pending. Me and my ex-bitch-of-a-whore-girlfriend, and my sister in law were driving up to disney to meet the rest of my family on december 13th 2002. We were hit by a gas tanker and a blue van that the tanker decided to mash into us. It was a horrible, horrible wreck 5 cars involved and a mother of five was killed. To make a long story short we were suing because the tanker driver was totally at fault. I spent months going to a chiropractor driving back and forth, taking my loser ex who doesnt have a car along with me. So like a month ago we had to give out depositions. They tried to intimidate me and make me look stupid by saying they didnt think i wrote my affadavit. He said the words on there were too big and that he didn't think I used words like that in everyday language. I proceeded to tell him I would explain how I use them to him, but I didn't think I could express myself monosyllabically long enough for him to understand. So my lawyer calls and tells me I wont be getting much money. Even though we were supposed to be getting upwards of 100 grand. From what I was told. Now he says we are only getting like 10. So I was like what gives? He tells me that my ex blew the whole case for us. Now mind you this girl is now 20...and has the mentality of a 12 year old. Not to mention she has got a borderline personality disorder. Of course she hasn't been diagnosed with this, because she is too afraid to know the truth. I tried to tell it to her, but she decided to cheat on me and leave me. I don't have time to go into all the horrible things she did to me. But here it is 8 months later and I am still trying to fix the things she did to me. She messed me up good and now she messed up my chances of getting the money I was going to get. All by answering the question...what did you do after the accident. She said we went to disney. Which is true...my family was there and we had my uncle pick us up who was also on his way there and he took us. But the capper is, they asked what we did in Disney. And miss brilliant replies. We went on space mountain a bunch of times, and thunder mountain, and splash mountain. Looks real good to them if you were in an accident you were injured in and you are going on those rides. Now the thing is, I didn't go on any of those rides. At least I dont recall going on them. She may have it confused with another time we went to disney. The point is, it hurt the case pretty bad and if I was to go to court over it they would laugh at me. How can I convince the jury that my ex is a psychotic who doesn't even know how to live her life on her own? 90 percent of what comes out of the girls mouth is lies. And that is the ironic thing. When she should be lying, like to the lawyers, she tells the truth. When she should tell the truth, she lies. Words can't express enough how badly I want to kill her. She has fucked up enough things in my life and this is the capper. I must go on though, I can't let her ruin my life. Otherwise she gets what she wants. The fact of the matter is I am a better person than she will ever be. And I am glad of that. Took me a long time to figure it out, but I did it.