I'm so sick of forgetting myself to remember who I am.

Amazing how an Ashton Kutcher movie can make you think. I just watched The Butterfly Effect. I must start off by saying it was the director's cut of the movie. I never saw it in the theaters. Both versions of the movie come with the dvd and I must say I watched both endings. The director's ending made me want to slit my wrists. What a depressing movie. I watched with my family and after it was over had to retreat to my room to my room to cry. I mean what if you could change the events of your life and rewrite the bad things that happened to you? Would you do it knowing the consequences could be disastrous. I mean in the end of the movie he decides he is the source of the problems and he goes back to when he was still in his mother's womb and strangles himself with his umbilical chord. Far fetched yes, but the fact that he felt he shouldn't have been born and had no purpose here got to me. What would this life be like had I never been born? It is a question I have asked myself LONG before this movie came out. I sometimes question it still. I really think that life hurts too much at times to even be here. I don't fit in with 99 percent of society. I want to buy a house in the middle of nowhere and just never leave it. I guess this is why I love movies so much. Things usually work out in the movies and then after the movie is over it is back to the harsh reality. Sometimes when I am dreaming something good, I just don't ever want to wake up from that dream. When the alarm clock goes off I just want to beat my head in with it so I can go back to sleep and dream forever. Then I could write my own movie, my own ending. Where I get the girl, and I get the fairy tale wedding. Where for just once my life works out the way I fucking want it to. This is where the harsh reality comes in. It will NEVER work out the way I want it to. I have to go now, it is getting difficult to see through the tears. Adieu