I'm so sick of forgetting myself to remember who I am.

I am so damn bored right now. Waiting to go out for the night. I didn't get the chance to take my evening nap either. I usually don't sleep anyway so who am I kidding? I don't think I have made it through an entire night of sleep without waking in years. Unless I am taking a sleeping pill. I prefer to not be on any kind of medication though. My doc wanted to pit me on Lithium, but I don't like the things I have heard about it. I don't want to be walking around like a zombie. I prefer to be who I am without the use of meds. Lately life has been getting better though. I used to feel useless and down all the time. Now I just feel nothing. I guess it is kind of hard to put into words the feeling I have. I spent most of my life hating myself and not living my life. Now I am trying to break myself of it. It is a slow process but I am coming out of it. I would like to be happy all the time like one of those people you see on TV that are happy for no apprent reason. That would be nice, but we all know that isn't reality. I have such a longing for life to be like it is in the movies. Wouldn't it be nice to have relationships like they do in the movies? They make everything look so easy and cutesy. It's enough to make you sick. My mind is ever changing. One minute I want that perfect someone, then the next day I say that that person doesn't exist. The more I live on this planet the more I think I am alone with my way of thinking. With every passing second I think there will never be anybody who will understand me. I think if I spent less time thinking about that and more time living my life I would be happier. I overthink every situation that comes my way. I think this is what keeps me from being happy.